She was skinny, homeless, scruffy, a beggar, a junkie, a liar and quite probably an unfit mother. She was my friend. When we met I’d buy her coffee or a burger or a hot apple pie, we’d talk about our lives and our hopes and plans. She died a couple of years ago and I found out about it through the papers. Overdose in a public toilet. And today, walking through town and passing her old doorways I remembered her again.
I miss you, Dawn.
Today was a good day. Got out of bed at a reasonable hour and did stuff. Mostly messed about on a computer and tried to get it to scan things – dificult when it won’t let you save any of the files. Eventually forced it to work by witholding jam privelidges for an hour or so. Even so, next time I’m getting the pictures put straight onto a cd, it takes far too long.
Net result is I got a multi page web site up and running for the first time ever. It can be found here:
Things will improve once I work out exactly what I’m meant to be doing.
It wasn’t meant to be a post about the website. The point was more that I’d set out to do something and achieved it. Which makes me feel disproportionately better about myself. I’d best be careful, I might end up back at work if I’m not careful.
Life is an endless freezing desert. The best we can hope to achieve is to work through the day to fool ourselves that we’re not freezing. To huddle with other travellers occasionally and gather round the fleeting fires that we stumble across. We take what small comfort we can before the others die or move on. We die cold and alone in a pointless waste. Truly, there is no point or direction to life. It would make no difference whatsoever if we were all to curl up and wait for the cold to take us.
Maybe some of us search for a permanent fire and settle in units and all seems well for a while. But everything dies. And in the end we are left alone. Cold and pointless.
I was depressed.
I thought some more.
What if there was an absolute fire? A fire that burned no matter what we did to feed it? Some point of reference in a barren land? We could search for this fire and maybe if we found it life would make some sort of sense, have some sort of point. My friends all said, “The only fire is that which we make ourselves.”
Which was no help at all.
I thought some more.
It wasn’t a blinding revelation. It didn’t creep up on me and jump me from behind. But I became aware of a thought that hadn’t been there before: “Raping babies is wrong.” Marvellous. Something that will help me fight each little step of the way towards the next brief huddle on the way to oblivion.
I wasn’t impressed.
I thought some more.
I couldn’t think of any situation in which raping a baby would be right. Not even in the “saving the world” premise – an alien kidnaps you and gives you a choice of performing some morally repugnant act or watching as the world you live on is destroyed – used to start discussions of ethics the world over. Even in such extreme circumstances the act is no less vile and wrong. Even if one were to live in a culture where it was socially acceptable it would be no less wrong.
I had caught a glimpse.
I thought some more.
The desert has many communities all claiming to exclusively house the absolute fire. They can’t all be right. If they all claimed to point towards the fire that would be one thing.
If there is an absolute what people believe is irrelevant. It is what is TRUE that is important.
Which is something I can only guess at. But the fact that there IS truth in an absolute form is a small fire inside that sustains me through the long, cold, desolate nights.
I know what I believe. I hope I’m right, but the fear remains that when I am overcome by the cold He will say to me, “Away from me evildoer, I never knew you.” That terrifies me. But in the absence of trustable experience, these thoughts will have to do.
And the winner of the “how long will it take for an update” competiton is Annie__Hall. Her prize – a mention in the journal to end all journals, namely: mine.
Hmmm, that’s about all I can think of at the moment.
Ahh, well. I guess I’ve not updated this in a while. Anybody want to open a book on how long it’ll take me to update again?
Unless something major happens in the next couple of days, it’s very likely I’ll end up doing something stupid. I can’t see anyway out, I can’t afford to miss work to see a doctor, I can’t do any of the organisational things that would help me sort my life out, I have no idea who I can talk to, I had to take temazepam just to sleep last night, half the day at work I wanted to die, so, there were four and a bit hours of respite, but now I’m not doing too well. I can’t find anything that brings me up even a little.
Needless to say, things ain’t too hot.
Just thought I’d spread a little tenderness or something like that.
Oh well, I’ll be giving the random topics a rest for the next couple of days.
Instead I’m going to rant.
Well, I was going to rant about having mightily fallen from the potential I’ve shown throughout my life so far, about how shitty it is to be working in a factory, with no prospects, stuck in a little room in a flat with two great guys with whom the only common ground is our faith, no chance of getting my own place, how I hate myself not being able to sort out things that need it, my lack of energy, my continuing singularity and the fact that all my friends have moved away and moved on, how my faith is on rocky ground and the only thing I could ever see myself doing long term seems even further off than it ever did.
I was going to rant about all of that, but I thought “stop feeling so damned sorry for yourself.”
I suppose I’ll carry on, try to work things through and not think about stuff too much.
The ideal day out: No time would be spent travelling – we’d leave one location and then arrive at the next – I could take you to more places that I like then. All my old and favourite haunts are still open and as I remember them…
First up would be a trip to Lindisfarne – a peninsula north of here with a great spiritual heritage, I may have talked about it before – a very peaceful place, with ruins, dunes, beaches and a couple of nice pubs. We’d walk around the island for a while and paddle in the sea.
For lunch we’d go to a pub called the Gibraltar Rock – a little place overlooking the sea a lot closer to home, then spend the afternoon playing pool in Marsden Grotto – a huge pub under a cliff, wonderful atmosphere, decent beer, nice tables.
An evening walk in the park, show you the Shoe Tree and Pets Corner and then on to Trillians!
The best Rock Pub in the world. We’d stay there for a couple of drinks and then head on to the Mayfair. The best Rock Club in the world! Where we’d chat, dance, rock out and drink until the wee hours. Back home via Munchies and sit up the rest of the night watching videos.
Now the bad news:
Lindisfarne is too far away for a day trip if we want to do anything else that day, the Gibraltar Rock and the Grotto have changed irredeemably, the Mayfair closed five years ago, Munchies closed last year some time and Trillians isn’t as great as once it was.
So, what we’d probably do – take the Metro to the coast, have a wander along the beach, look at Tynemouth Priory, get fish and chips and eat them on a sea front bench. Spend the afternoon walking about in the park or down by the riverside if you prefer, have an evening meal cooked by me and then go to Trillians for the night (it closes at one three nights out of seven) and watch videos after that.
A very nasty process by which the source of all the earth’s power is being dissipated over time.
If the sun continues burning, soon we shall have no energy to do important things like run air conditioning units – so the world will uncontrollably overheat and become an unbearable place to live.
I suggest we freeze the sun so we can save the energy until we need it.