Which brings us to today.
My shiney ASDL modem arrived today!

My dad came for a visit, and as soon as he left I was straight on-line, catching up on all sorts of things…

Looks like my LJ might get updated a bit more often than in the past…

30th May 2003

Today at work I was on the paint line. This entailed hanging lots of bits and pieces on a moving rail and then taking them down again once they’d been powder coated. Twice as much fun as it sounds. Every Monday should be a bank holiday – I’ve enjoyed the short week, and I’m still resisting the pressure from the other lads to do all the over time hours that God/Romec sends. I DON’T need any more money than I’m earning, and I DO need all the rest I can get, not to mention the other commitments that it would regularly clash with. Plus, if I regularly did the overtime, my income would seep into the student-loan-paying-back-evil bracket – I could end up with less money for more hard labour… Never a good thing.

I discovered that the Chinese supermarket in town had stopped selling the chopping boards I liked, but still sold the woks I needed for the CURRY NIGHT!!!! I spent a very good four hours preparing and cooking two curries, one made from the base up, and the other involving lots of bits of various veg – some of which needed cooking prior to going in the mix. The evening itself went very well, but the real joy was in the cooking. Tomorrow I’m going to cook up the rest of the ingredients and fill my freezer with curry! A whole afternoon of cooking type fun! And then back over to the church, whose kitchen I used for this afternoon, to finish clearing up and to sort things out for Sunday – I’ll be caretaking and getting paid by my “second” employer – weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

27th May 2003

CD conversion update: half way through “B” with Frank Black, Black Sabbath, Block and The Byrds left, – it’s such a slow process…

Two of my best friends came up to visit for the bank holiday, we didn’t do much, just hung about together, and last night we went to see the Matrix sequel. Not much more to say about that really.

Work is still work, I’m into my second week and there’s no sign that them upstairs want to get rid of me – a constant fear – am I fast enough, accurate enough, good enough? Terrible gnawing doubt all the time. Weeeeeeeeee! I should be getting my first pay packet on Friday!

On Friday I’m meant to be running a curry night, sadly the lists of who is coming and whether they want hot, medium or mild and if they’re vegetarian or not has been very much mislaid. Consequently (I love medium-big words), I don’t know small details of the “how many people are coming” type. This leaves me in a bit of a fix. A housemate is on the phone as I write so I can’t make the calls I need to in order to sort it out. Bleh. I’ll cook enough for twenty – four portions of vegetarian (mild/medium) and sixteen of chicken (four mild, eight medium, four hot). That’ll be wonderful…

If I wasn’t virginal pure and, more importantly, male, I’d be giving serious thought to the possibility of me being pregnant. Hot flushes, night sweats, cravings for strange food, bloatedness, and other symptoms too numerous to mention. That’d be a turn up for the books.

Oh, I’ve got my DVDs back! In the move the CD wallet containing them had gone one direction and the cases had come with me in another. Yesterday I had the chance to pick them up from the garage wherin they had lain. Maybe tomorrow when I’m bored I can sort them back into their cases… That would pass some time.

Anyway, I’ve got to go and make my sandwiches for tomorrow.

28th May 2003

Just got back from work where I had to run the gauntlet of an angry co-worker for the simple reason that I wasn’t doing any overtime tonight and there was a big order due out on Friday. I, however, had been asked by my supervisor if it was okay to not do any this week – and so I’d planned to go to a meeting with folks I couldn’t contact from work…
Pfft.
So, now I’ve got my co-workers pissed off with me, there’s a significant possibility that I might get the blame for the order not being completed, and I’m as slow as a slow thing at actually putting the trolleys together. Hurray!

29th May 2003

Today was better. Nobody was an arsehole at work. I got home after a day’s work and felt alright – as opposed to “downright shitty”. It was only talking to my dad a couple of hours later that I realised I wasn’t dreading going back into work tomorrow – a feature of every night since I started work.

I bumped into an old housemate on the way back home from the Indian mini-market I had visited to gather ingredients for tomorrow’s curry extravaganza. We chatted for a couple of hours and then went our seperate ways. It always amazes me how we can still get along after the way we became ex-housemates a couple of years ago. That’s another story.

Right now, I’m tired and ready for bed (surprise!) and as soon as some music files my brother has sent me are copied I’ll be heading dreamwards… MY computer seems to have slowed down drastically, but I’ve not copied files from cd for a long time… I still have masses of backed up music to sort out and copy again, then I can get rid of the stack of CDs and make a new bunch. What an exciting life I lead.

But tomorrow is the CURRY NIGHT!!!!
Which will, by the looks of things, be extremely over catered. We lost the lists of who was meant to be coming, I had thought at least twelve had signed up and that I’d been asked to cook for about twenty seeing as more folks would turn up than had said they would. Meh! Only eight signed the lists, and I shouldn’t expect many mopre than that… A slight problem with this: I’d just bought enough ingredients, naan breads and assorted curry type things to cater for twenty, some of which aren’t particularly good for keeping. So, my question is: do I freeze vast amounts of made up curry or just bung the perishables straight in the freezer where they’ll be forgotten? An easy choice, but I’ll be working to a time scale tomorrow afternoon and with limited equipment. I’ll have to see what happens…

Odd, I’ve been keeping this much more current than I ever did my Live Journal. Guess I’ll have to work on that once my lovely broadband arrives.

I know I posted this in a thread at LNO, but for those of you that missed it, and just for the hell of it, notes I made over the last week or so…

24th May 2003

Starting a journal to mark the time until Broadband arrives. A glimpse into the day to day running of my head – possibly not the most enlightening read ever, but that can’t be helped.
It starts with a picture of me waking up, holding my aching head, still in last night’s clothes. All I can vaguely remember is saying, “Fancy a fuck?” expectantly to an equally desperate looking young lady towards the end of a hard night after a harder week. Of course, this picture has it’s faults. For starters, it’s been far too long since I was in a bar until the time of night when such questions are asked. Oh, and even at my most inebriated I’d never dare even say, “Hello,” to a random girl anywhere – I exagerate, but saying anything like that would be beyond the pale even for me. Nevertheless, that’s the picture that prompted me to start writing again.

This evening I was in the corner shop, buying milk for the simple reason that it needed doing, I’d already returned last night’s video that had been watched alone and not hired another one because somebody else had hired it last night, I didn’t have a card and they won’t let me have one because because none of the bills for the house are in my name. A girl with rabbit teeth was in the queue in front of me – she asked for a big bottle of Lambrini and ten Malboro Lights – this set off my automatic prejudices – a sad young thing heading home contentedly for an evening in with her bottle of cheap joy and her smokes. Damn my conscience! I’d have happily been a bastard and despised her for ever, but a niggle at the back of my head – at least she’s smiling, and if she came onto you you wouldn’t say no. Gah! Sometimes I make me hate myself. I guess recognising that I am a pthetic excuse for a human being must give me a couple of “redemption points”. No?

Bugger.

I am currently sat at home converting my entire music collection to the .ogg format, and typing this between CD changes. Broadband is still three weeks away so I have to enter the track details manually – such fun, I don’t know why I’m bothering but it passes the time.

I started my job on Monday. Labouring in a factory for the Royal Mail starting at 7.30am five days a week, which means getting up at six. I’m still not used to it, or going to bed before ten the night before… I can’t stand the thought of myself being there for more than a couple of weeks, but I know I’m grateful for a job – any job, that it’s better than being on benefits, that the money isn’t bad, that there are worse jobs around, that I should just bite the bullet and get on with it. I have vivid dreams about that fucking place! I can’t get it out of my head! Bah! And all the time, the self doubt and the fear of failure and getting the boot, of not being good enough, of continuing the trend of failure… It is only a job. I am fortunate to have it. Enough whining.

Onto FAITH.
And what I wrote a couple of weeks ago…

_________________________________________________________
What is required to be a Christian?

Not merely the academic acceptance that Jesus Christ is God incarnate – dead and resurrected to bring us close to God. The demons KNOW this.
Not that we keep THE LAW – an impossibility. Even a striving after perfection with all our being would not make us Christian.

And here the list of things it isn’t will end – what’s required is the continual acceptance of Jesus Christ as our saviour AND Lord.
A nifty little sentence that I can find no meaning in.

What is it Jesus Christ says we must do?

Love one another; Love God(and show it by keeping his commands – back to the LAW again): be willing to give up everything, should we be asked; to make disciples of all nations; to look after the poor and needy.

I would love to be able to say with the rich young ruler, “All this I have done.” Yet I know I haven’t. I try and avoid temptation (with varying degrees of success). I try to love friend and enemy alike (again, not entirely successfully). I have no doubt that, should God ask, I would give up my possessions in a second (though, this has not been put to the test). My looking after the “poor and needy” extends to buying the Big Issue, trying to buy Fair Trade produce, and one or two instances of opening up my home (and the home of others) to those who needed it, oh – I make a regular (though small) payment towards the upkeep of a student evangelist. I have no idea about the “all nations” bit – as far as I know, one person has become a Christian following my involvement in their life (many others were involved in this).

Again, there are those who say it is about having a personal relationship with Christ. A relationship is meant to go both ways – and for every prayer I get the seeming response of “Kill Yourself.” (Something that has persisted despite the prayers of many others; people tell me, “Such things are not of God.” – then why has nobody ‘perceived’ anything? It might simply be my sub-concious – yet no treatment has borne fruit.) Either way, the heavens are bereft of any answers (I can see no circumstances in which it would be right for me to kill myself.)
It’s this “relationship” issue that bothers me – I need to know what I can do to make things “right” – or would that simply be a returning to the delusions(?) of my youth?
Should I sell everything? Should I retreat into an ordered, monastic life? What have I to offer? How can one so unsure of his own faith be any use bringing others to God or be any use to a family built on the stuff?
All I am sure of is that Jesus Christ is God, his death and resuurection for the purpose of my salvation – I can’t honestly stop believing this – I only wish I could see it worked out in my life.
_____________________________________________________

Since I wrote that, I started work and have been too tired most of the time to pray very much, and consequently the “spiritual directives” to kill myself have lessened in frquency, I spend my time in church helping with the youth – it saves me any sitting and feeling resentful. Gah!

Anyway, what more is there to say?
I’ll write more as and when inspiration hits me.
This might be all that you get of the next three weeks…