New (potential) church small group.
New leaps of progress in my fight against depression.
New (fairly new, anyway) singleness.*
I’ve come so far.
I’ve fought hard nearly every step of the way.
I’ve made so much progress.
I’m still at rock bottom and having serious doubts about whether I can go the distance.
I know suffering (and I know I have no valid reason to be the way I am) is meant to build character, but all I want is for it to be over.
Admittedly all this change can’t be helping much, but I’ve never felt more isolated and alone.
I’ve had to stop my group-therapy because of work. It wasn’t any help anyway, but even so, in a strange way there’s a gap where it was.
I’m not sleeping well – waking up every couple of hours throughout every other night.
I’m constantly on edge.
I get panicky on the way to work.
I start to cry for no reason.
There’s all sorts of other stuff going on in my life and in my head too. Stuff to do with God, religion, exes, where the hell my life is going, dark and nasty thoughts, hopelessness and friendship in general.
In short, I’m a bit of a mess at the moment, despite lots of outward signs of being much much better.
In a way this is partly an apology for not having payed proper attention to everybody else’s journals recently, and partly to explain why I’ve not been posting very often. And partly just to get it off my chest.
edited to add:
*I typed the main text before I added the titles and formatting, so the newly-found singledom shouldn’t necessarily be considered good news – it’s just one of the list of things that was new.